TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from location. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: supply Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It really is that he must cease applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the project, replied, "You are aware of, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from House, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following discovering the making's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is really not just ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Features


Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current Trump Tower Damascus SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "exactly where's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting awareness from Intercontinental traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will even contain:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort where my PTSD may have switch-down support."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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